certain

i've had too much freedom

i want to take refuge in algorithms and principles

to say: 'the evidence is there, see for yourself'

where right is right and denominators determine value

infinity can leave me well enough alone

i'm tired of forever

i want boxes and corners

edges

circles are for titans

i'm simply too weak

too scared to look over cliff edges and swing from high branches

i want my feet to take root

anchored to the same place forevermore

knowing that up and down can no longer be inverted

i worship them

those who can see with blindfolds on

who make pathways through the clutter

but i am not them

i wasn't born a superhero

i'm no god

i want stitches to form from the poking and pulling of my needle

a straight and even line

i'm tired of pretending to be something i'm not

certain.jpg

walking with clouds

fingers intertwined

floating

eyes wide

i stare at blue until it hurts

discover every hue and shade imaginable

all I see are spots

tiny things wizzing past focus

ears only halfway compromised

i listen to airplanes threaten birdsong

watch trees tanning

florence dances with her machine

i am perfectly content

it's the kind of day to water the plants, make a mango salad and drink cold tea spiked with lemon & lavendar

make a wish

blow

let hope grow from blades of grass and dreams blossom from bee wings

green_grass.jpg

red

i sit here
eyes of glass, hands red, mouth full of sand
tongue tied
i hear it beating
a low thud
a pathetic crawl
no longer the racing sprint that i once rejoiced
the sound that made me leap from buildings
what does its presence matter now?
it might as well have been ripped from my chest and stuffed into your mouth
an assault on my very essence
sliced into tiny pieces and crumbled to the floor
quicksand
this is all i have left
may others never feel this pain
a loss so deep that senses no longer matter
take my eyes, my nose, my hands
rip the skin from every limb
but not that
what is left?
a machine
do with me as you please
tell me and i will follow
but i must do this first

red

what if

if i were more light than dark, would you love me then?
if i fit inside my body and didn't use shovels to bury my fears
would that make you want me?
if my fingers could knit borders that were still moveable?
if my luggage didn't fill the foyer?
if i had the courage to show you the flowers in my garden without being weary of you trampling them?
if i had the strength to tell you i was hurting rather than pretend i was better than you?
i wasn't enough
soft like cactus skin, untenable like a field of dandelions, maleable like doll parts
were constellations insufficient? the ocean's depth?
our picture was odd, but what meaningful work of art isn't?
i would have given you the world, we would have been unstoppable
with your vision and my wings we would have flown the skies
counted every living thing, and created catalogues for our children
fossils, twigs, bones, feathers
but our tree was struck by lightning
a hole created big enough to let the wind in
we lost each other to the elements
you: tarnished silver; me: corroded copper
the trunk no longer suitable for living
the roots no longer nourishing the branches
the leaves yellow and sick
ask me anything, plead with me, beg for change, I want you to
i will say no, I can't see you, don't want you, I no longer love you
i've learned nothing
still have trouble seeing, knowing
and i have lied
i am certain of my love

whatif

blue

i feel dead inside
like driftwood
afraid of petrifying
so i reach for the shore
but my roots have been torn
and i float untethered
governed by the flow of the tide
with no means to row
water washes over me
under, over, under
surrounded
black, blue, grey
i asked for this, prayed to my innards
and now the embers burn but there is no flame
just a blue smoke that smells of dreams abandoned
wish i were the water instead

be careful what you wish for

blue

hope

I have lost Hope
I cannot find her
Her fragrant hair now only a ribbon of memory
Her dress listlessly hangs from a rusted hanger
Her shoes, which once danced, are soulless and hollow
Hope, come back
I can search for you no longer
Cannot even remember your smile
You turned your back on me, ran out laughing, and all I have left is an echo
It bounces from ear to ear, ping pongs to my heart, and scrapes it's way through every channel in my brain
How do I find you if I haven't even the means to look
My eyes, which once saw color and drew pictures behind closed lids, are now charcoal, and can only paint black circles
You were my god
I sacrificed for you
Left offerings which you took and left empty
Only bloody shells
Only a bloody shell
I belonged to you, I was happy there
Now what is left?
I cannot even remember my own name
I no longer know what it means
Don't know how to roll my tongue, reach for an apple, or how to dip my toe into the water
Won't someone bring her back to me?
Pointless
I have been robbed
She was snatched from me before my very own eyes
Ripped from my very hands
The ghost of her still lingers, but the vapors disperse as soon as I draw near
Hope, where have you gone?
What shall I do now?
Someone is calling
Dream
The sun catches my eye

wandering.jpg

everything

 

i found you 
i find you
but always lose you
you fill me, heels to elbows
but parts of me go cold
i want to be open, to feel 
but i feel too much
i need you so badly
when i lose you i'm lost
cant find my way
i forget what green smells like
what pushing color does for the eyes
not 20/20 but x-ray
i search through the cold but only find dry leaves
the water, the breath, missing
i make mud and wish i made rainbows
i love you
so much it hurts
like bones growing inside of bones
pushing against edges
i am you
you are never me though
too grand, too beautiful
effortless
i struggle to soar
as you do
and there lies the issue
let it be i say, just go
but stay
i want you, and hate all that you are
don't sell your soul i say
but you don't gain anything without sacrifice
i despise you
your torment
your torture
be rid of me already
let me free
but you are freedom, and like icarus i fall

icarus.jpg