everything

i found you 
i find you
but always lose you
you fill me, heels to elbows
but parts of me go cold
i want to be open, to feel 
but i feel too much
i need you so badly
when i lose you i'm lost
cant find my way
i forget what green smells like
what pushing color does for the eyes
not 20/20 but x-ray
i search through the cold but only find dry leaves
the water, the breath, missing
i make mud and wish i made rainbows
i love you
so much it hurts
like bones growing inside of bones
pushing against edges
i am you
you are never me though
too grand, too beautiful
effortless
i struggle to soar
as you do
and there lies the issue
let it be i say, just go
but stay
i want you, and hate all that you are
don't sell your soul i say
but you don't gain anything without sacrifice
i despise you
your torment
your torture
be rid of me already
let me free
but you are freedom, and like icarus i fall